Friday, May 6, 2011

On Becoming Part of the Universe

There have been times throughout the course of this blog that I've asked myself what the hell I was thinking when I started it. Usually it goes along the lines of "I've got nothing to talk about." Or "No one cares what I have to say."
Why am I writing this all down on the internet where anyone can come and read it? If most of what I post is so personal then shouldn't I be keeping it in a journal that I can bind shut and hide so no one can see it?
It all comes down to two things: The fact that I don't really give a flying fuck about who reads this blog because deep down I know that I'm writing it for me. And because its like when you write a letter you never intend to give to the person you wrote it to and then send it out on the ocean in a bottle or set it on fire and watch the flames slowly float away as smoke. Its because knowing that its out there just being part of the universe is better than keeping it where only you know where it is.
And really, life is such a fickle thing. Compared to the universe and time itself we're just little specks of sand. We really don't matter in the long run. I believe that by connecting ourselves with the universe in whatever small way we can, we begin to matter even if its just for a moment.
And here you thought I was done. Right? Well almost. Tonight was the first night since the whole thing with my parents started that I've allowed myself to have an actual human emotion for more than two seconds. And what an adventure that was. Tonight was the first time I've cried since it began. I felt, no I feel, angry. I feel scared. I feel devastated. I have feelings that I don't even know what the hell they are. And strangely I think I'm at peace with all of it. I don't know why but I feel light.
I feel like I could float.

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