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Monday, April 18, 2011

Don't Want to Care

Have you ever looked so hard for peace that you can never find it? Have you ever tried not to feel any emotions when something equivalent to a brick wall is slammed in your face? Welcome to the current story of my life. So these family problems I've been not talking about for the past few blogs have really taken a turn for the worse. I think over the last two months I've spent a total of two minutes crying. Actually having a human emotion. I cried for about three and a half seconds just a few minutes ago while my mom was on the phone with a neighbor. I immediately realized that I was in fact being human and quickly pulled the tears back in.

In the past week I've written three songs. That's three more than I've written since last year. I guess music is only written in sadness. (Though one of them is about the boyfriend, so I suppose that one was written out of longing, or happiness, or one of those other non depressed things you humans feel.) I've rediscovered my love of guitar and I am going to start playing piano again.

So this morning on the way to school, I was talking to Ben. He's been nothing but amazing through this whole thing. I seriously couldn't ask for someone to be a better listener than he has. I saw him this weekend as well which took my mind off of everything. Nine wonderful hours spent together on Saturday led to a rough morning at home for my parents on Sunday. Me and my mom left around noon so I was sure I wasn't going to see Ben that day. By the time we got home just before seven I was planning on seeing him. Until I went to the computer room to clean up a mess that one of the dogs left. That's when I saw that my dad's computer was gone. Further exploration revealed that he also had taken some of his clothes and medicine. Surprisingly, I felt peaceful. I felt like everything was going to be okay, even if it was just for a moment.

To be honest, I really don't care where he is. I'm just glad he's still gone. I don't know if I want him to come back.

(Little known fact. The title of this post comes from the song "Better" by Plumb.)

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